When I am weak, You are strong.

Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, surely I will uphold you with My righteous right hand. --Isaiah 41:10

Well, hello post number fifty. It's crazy to think I have so much to write about on here, and yet I'm pretty sure I deleted a good five posts before I came to this one.

It's been a while since I've written, and I guess it's a catch 22. I tend to write about things that are going on in my life, mainly bad things, personal things I cannot completely open up about because it's just too... well, personal. It's amazing how someone will tell a stranger their life story, and yet when some people can't tell a piece of their lives to their best friend.

I've definitely been anxious these days, itching to get myself out of a town that has seemed to devoured my emotions. These are the few times when I wish I had a private plan to whisk me far away back to my home. It feels like I'm the only one stuck in this one street town, and that this is not where I belong.

It's been uneasy and chaotic. There have been days where I've wanted to scream as loud as I could and hoped that someone halfway across the state would be able to hear it. I've questioned why I'm here, and then reasons float in and out of my head like an anxious ghost. I couldn't tell you how many times I've wanted to get in my car and just drive the 180 some-odd miles to get back where I belong. It's been especially hard this week, but I cannot be specific. I know that everything is alright, but the stubborn instinct that is embedded in me is trying to convince me otherwise. I feel restless at night, hoping that the night would have passed as quick as a hiccup, and that in the moment that I blink that it's next week.

Lord, help me from being anxious. Please comfort my soul and aching heart.
I've been struggling this week with jealousy and desire. I know it's unhealthy to bestow either quality, but it's hard to not want it. I crave it like oxygen, I want it like it's the last thing on earth. I know that God has a plan for me to be married, I can feel it in the depths of my heart. My patience just does not want to agree or wait. I see girls with pretty rings on their left hand finger and I wonder when that blessed day is going to arrive for me. But through all of the questions and anxiety, I know that this is God's will for me. His perfect plan has a purpose, and I am just too naive to see it when it's really staring back at me. I'm so grateful that I am in this spiritual place in my life and I'm not exactly sure where I would be if I had the opportunity to lead the life I have been given.

On a much easier subject , I've also been anxious about grad school. I question why I'm here on a daily basis, and it's so difficult to appease the supervisors that I have been given when I have been taught a different way. I feel incompetent and I'm so afraid of failure. I want to be successful and I want things to come easier than they do. I want to be able to handle a four year old client one day and then turn around the next day and work with a teenager. I want to motivate my clients to succeed in their goals. I want to be Miss Super Clinician. And then five minutes later it seems like I have fallen on my face once the session ends.

The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.
He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord will renew t heir strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
--Isaiah 40:28-31

Isaiah assures me that God is always with me, He will always protect me and take care of me. He guides me through the mazes of life and comforts me when my heart is saddened. I am so thankful for that reassurance.

Love,
Kelsea