My Story: Hebrews 12:2

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

Happy Twenty-Thirteen everyone!  I know that is has been quite a while since I have shared my stories.  The last several months have included many learning experiences - all of which have made me stronger as a person and in my faith.  Inspired by Craig Groschel's series over the last four weeks, here is a personal glimpse of my heart, my story - raw, truthful, and life-changing.

January 2012

The all important moment of truth - the day I took the Praxis.  The big kahuna of a test that determined my absolute fate about working as an SLP.  This test was responsible for many sleepless nights, many hours cramming tons of information into my already filled-up brain.  And praise the Lord (literally), four to six weeks later, I found out I passed.  Whew, one hurdle down, many to go.

After so many years of a constant uphill battle with doubtful professors, not-so-helpful advisers, and supportive friends, I finally came to that moment that I needed to have a job to prove to myself and to the other doubters that I was able to accomplish everything I have ever wanted to accomplish.

Over the course of the next few months, I earnestly peddled my measly resume through many SLP related recruiting websites, as well as various places in the metro that would possibly give me a chance.  No such luck.  Many recruiters were willing to send me out-of-state (something I wasn't exactly excited to do at that time), but I kept it as a possibility.

It was almost like the issue of me not having a job offer the minute I started my final clinical rotation was, in fact, the white elephant in the room.  When people would ask, I felt embarrassed at the fact that a job offer was not in the near future - it was something I could not control ... yet again.

June

After months of prayer and reciting Jeremiah 29:11, I tried to keep a positive attitude and faith that God would take care of me.  Let me say that it was not easy and it was downright scary.  The thought of God taking control of yet another portion of my life felt uneasy.  But it was a step that I needed to take.

Towards the end of June, I was offered a contract job, where I would potentially work with little kids.  For those of you who don't know (I surely didn't at the time), being "contract only" means that you aren't paid a steady annual or hourly salary.  As wonderful as it felt to have been hired a position, working with little kiddos for that matter, it was scary enough to think that I would be responsible for not only paying the full amount for my taxes, but also for insurance, continuing ed, and any other incurred expenses.  But aside from the dollars running continuous circles through my head day and night, I realized that this was a good thing - a God thing, actually - and that it was meant to be.

There was just an itsy-bitsy problem.

I had no idea what I was doing.

Think about it.  We go to school, learn our profession of choice, and are given all of the book knowledge to back up any argument.  But actually putting those things in practice, especially (in my case) when another human being's life is involved, is again, downright scary.  I could only imagine if I was a parent and my child had speech or language problems and all of a sudden a fresh-out-of-school baby is making sure my child can say their sounds.

Four months later, after what felt like attempted to doggie paddle in eight-foot water, reality hit.

October   

As a part of my clinical fellowship of nine months, we are required to gain a certain amount of hours, and are supposed to meet with our supervisor every three months or so to discuss progress of ourselves as a clinician.  I thought everything was fine and dandy, and then the guillotine came.

I can't remember a lot of the details, but I do remember lots of tears and embarrassment on my part.  I remember thinking to myself "I'm going to get fired", over and over again during the very long hour and a half conversation.  I felt completely incompetent and stupid, to put it lightly.  I felt like my entire dream of being an SLP was slipping through my fingers once again.  Just like when I took my first SLP class, just when I found out I did not get accepted to UCO or OSU's graduate program, and now.

That Friday was the absolute hardest day of my life.  I remember screaming at God in my head, "Why did You do this?  Why am I going through this?  What lesson do I have to learn yet again?"  As much as it kills me to talk about it now, it was a very eye-opening experience, and it brought me even closer in my faith with God.

Jeremiah 29:11  "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, and to give you a hope and a future." 

That night, I prayed until I fell asleep.  I prayed for guidance and comfort that maybe through this struggle, I would learn something positive and come out of it a better person.  I prayed for my supervisor and her business partner, that they would remember me for the good, and not for the bad.

The following Monday, I received a text message from my supervisor about a better option for my situation.  I would follow her around, observing, during therapy sessions, and be paid what would be the equivalent of a teenager's allowance at the end of each week.  Coming from making a fairly good paycheck at the end of two weeks, it was definitely a reality check when you're making dramatically less than before.  What scared me even more was the expenses that were just around the corner.  How am I going to pay for all of them?  But God assured me that He will take care of me.

January

 It hasn't been easy.  There have been days where I have felt like a little duckling or even the annoying chick in the front of the class that always asks the stupid questions.  Gaining clientele back hasn't been a walk in the park either.  I am still in the process of gaining more clients, and it is still a faith-driven process.

But it has been completely and incandescently worth it.