Happy Thanksgiving! I have realized that my blogging skills have been lacking and my procrastination skills have been improving... As I have said before, I try not to complain on here. And I was even crazy enough to ask God to put something in my life that can be a lesson so I can show how my crazy mishaps circumstances can turn into something good. And the even crazier thing is that I meant it.
So it is said, so it was done.
I finished my first eight week rotation at a local elementary school. As much as I loved seeing my "kids" every day, the setting just doesn't feel right. I also had this feeling like I was getting off too easily with my supervisor singing my praises on my end of the rotation evaluation. I felt like something was a little fishy when I perused through the four pages of a bagillion questions (scale of 1-5, 5 being the best) and every score was either a 4, 5 or not applicable. I never want to stop learning and challenging myself. I need supervisors to be tough.
Lord giveth and Lord taketh away my confidence.
On the Tuesday of my fifth week at the Children's center, my interim supervisor sat me down in a therapy room with tiny, kid-friendly chairs, and basically murdered me with a "midterm evaluation" consisting of 2's, 3's, 4's, and a handful of 5's. Ouch. I know that it's not supposed to come easy, but those 2's really hit home.
After swallowing a few gulps of pride, I graciously thanked her for being brutally honest and then about bawled my eyes out without the tears on my way back to therapy. I was angry, wondering what in the heck did I do wrong and how could they have been so mean. I was very thankful that I just got to observe therapy for the rest of the day because I was a complete train-wreck inside. Not to mention that she mentioned my basic competency checklist in a negative light which basically is my "golden ticket" to let me graduate. Even when I got into my car at the end of the day, I felt defeated and wanted to scream. Too bad there was an occupied car next to me.
To make matters worse, the following Tuesday (aka two days ago) I tried to sit down with my supervisor and get her perspective on things. Just when the conversation was getting good, a parent in the rehab section of whom my supervisor has never met barges in and asks where her daughter may be (she was with another speech path). Dang it. I know I shouldn't be mean to parents but good gracious, could you have picked a more inopportune time? God, was that really necessary? flew through my head. I can't blame the mom for wanting to say goodbye to her daughter before she left for the day... but I still wanted to throw something at her. (...ahem...)
After letting myself digress a little bit, I realized that my supervisors were dead on. I have been so wrapped up in being distracted and overwhelmed that I forgot to get my butt in gear and act like a graduate clinician. Maybe because they are medically, mentally, physically fragile that I thought they needed "special therapy techniques" that I had no idea existed. Go figure when you assume.
That's the wonderful thing about God - He will let you argue with yourself until you are blue in the face, or in my case, you fall asleep from exhaustion. He will let you come to your own conclusions and frustrated to the point where you want to lift your hands up and say, "Lord, take over." We all have obstacles to overcome, all equally important and never too big for Him. There will be more days of exhaustion and failure, but you can't let them get to you. Learn from your mistakes and mishaps and prove to yourself and others that you can do whatever you set your mind to.
All things are possible through Christ who gives you strength. (Phil. 4:13) I have set the Lord always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. (Psalm 16:8)
It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not fail you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. (Deuteronomy 33:27)
Lord, You know my prayer. You know my circumstances. I am so thankful for Your everlasting love and grace. Thank you for being patience with me as I want to automatically be the best at everything. Thank you for teaching me humility and that nothing comes easy. Thank you for the struggles and the triumphs. Thank you for never forsaking me or leaving me. With Your help, I can do this. I can conquer my fears and tribulation. You can help me prove to myself and to my supervisors that I am meant to be in this profession. Thank you for Your love and kindness.
Love, your daughter.
Much love,
Kelsea
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